Regret and Shame
by confessing-to-heichou
Summary: How she wished she could go back in time and change the past.


**I'm sorry but I can't stop writing these sad one-sided romances that end up in death. I noticed that I've been putting lots of RivEtra in my fics lmao I don't even ship it I guess I just pair him up with her since I don't rlly see him compatible with anyone else except Erwin lmfao old men yaoi but I don't include EruRi (the OTP 333) in my fics because I just use straight pairings idk whyy i guess my yaoi writing time shall come soon. Also no levihan because Hanji x Moblit 5everrrr  
Anways. . I grossly sobbed while writing this since petruo/auretra = LIFE.**

* * *

He gazes at her from afar, admiring her bright orange hair, twinkling eyes, and beautiful laughter. Sadly, she wasn't laughing for him. Petra was laughing for their superior, Levi.

Auruo's heart wrenches at the sight. He who was always by her side since they were little children. Only to be replaced as soon as they entered the military.

He recalls a story one of the new recruits, Mikasa, had told him.

Her mother had told her a story when she was younger about why people are soul mates.

_There is a red thread tied to your pinky. The other end is tied to the person who will be your soul-mate. The thread can stretch, bend, and pull but it will never rip. For the person at the other end was destined to be with you.  
_  
He wonders if Petra's red thread connected to the corporal's.

* * *

Day after day, she always tells him about her day with the corporal. Due to his nature, he always responds with a snarky comment. Auruo doesn't like making her angry. It's just in his nature. Building up a pretentious façade ever since he realized how worthless he was to her, now that the corporal had entered their lives.

After she leaves, fuming with frustration and anger, he tiredly retreats back to his room and falls onto the bed. He stifles his quiet sobs with a pillow before drifting off to sleep.

The next few months consisted of the same events.

He admires her, she tells him about how much she loves corporal, he says a snarky comment, she leaves, he cries.

* * *

One day, Petra came to him in tears. But these weren't sad tears.

They were happy.

He proposed to me, she said. I accepted, she added. Can you give me away? My father won't be able to make it, she asks.

Auruo is empty as he hears her words, his face devoid of all emotion.

"Of course, Petra. I'm so happy for you." He says, releasing those empty words.

Taken aback at his sudden kindness, she gasps and laughs, throwing her arms around his neck before running off to announce the good news.

Once again, he retreats back to his room. Slowly sitting down at the edge of his bed, he clutches his heart. It felt like it weighed 7 tons. The pain was too much. The heartache gets to him, and he hunches over, sobbing.

Sobbing at the fact he would never get a chance with her. Sobbing for being a pathetic asshole who let the love of his life slip right through his fingers.

Suddenly, he clutches at his heart with more force, feeling loss of breath. He gasps and falls onto the hard wooden floor.

Auruo slowly lets go of his heart, letting his hand fall down to his hip. His body starts to slowly shut down and his eyelids close.

The body slumps into corpse position as he lies there, face still wet with fresh tear streaks.

* * *

In the evening, Hanji comes to look for him, needing some paperwork. Knocking on the door, she awaits for a reply she will never get.

Excusing herself, she walks in, her eyes spotting his lifeless form.

Shrieking in shock, she hurriedly rushes over to him, placing two fingers on the side of his neck and frantically searches for a pulse.

There is none.

Using all of her strength, she deftly picks up the 134 pound man and runs out of the room.

"Moblit, prep my examination room now! I need to do an autopsy! Auruo is dead!" She shouts, her assistant sprinting to her lab in a frenzy.

The 104th along with Levi and his squad stare at her in shock.

Squad Levi immediately runs over, looking at his corpse. Erd and Gunther share the same look of sadness and shock while Petra could only clasp her hand on her mouth and cry. Levi comes over and holds her, letting her cry onto his shoulder.

Hanji simply lowers her head in sorrow before heading to her lab.

* * *

She quickly places him onto the table as Moblit comes over to strip the clothes off the body. Snapping on her sanitary gloves, she asks Mobilt to hover the surgical light over the corpse's bare chest.

Grabbing her sharpest scalpel, Hanji makes the incision right above the sternum. She and Moblit quickly place the spreading bar so there is access to his heart. Grabbing the surgical saw, she swiftly saws through the sternum. Clamping his veins and arteries, upon closer inspection, she deduces that his heart was quite weak for a 19 year old. She clamps veins and arteries to remove the once pumping muscle.

Hanji carefully makes incisions to reveal the inside of his heart. Placing it under the bright surgical light, she is handed a skinny probe. As she gently pokes around, a discovery is made.

His heart strings had broken, causing the heart to lose form and not pump blood effectively. It seemed to have happened antemortem.

'But how? How on earth is this possible?' She internally screams, confused.

Placing the heart back in its original space, Hanji quickly stitches the veins and arteries back. Removing the spreader bar, she sews his sternum and chest back up.

Removing her gloves, she requests that his body be in a bag and preserved until someone in his family could claim it.

* * *

Leaving the lab, she runs a hand through her messy hair and sighs before heading to her room. Upon arrival, she sees everyone in there, waiting for the news.

"I don't know. There's these tendons in your heart called heart strings, right? His were so weak for a 19 year old. His heart strings broke, causing his heart to lose form and as a result, it couldn't pump blood effectively." Hanji says, sliding down the closed door behind her.

"The worst part is, I have no idea how this even happened. I can't rack my brain for an accurate hypothesis." She sighed out, groaning.

Armin, the genius bookworm, crept out from behind and shyly spoke.

"U-um, Ms. Hanji, I actually know the reason, if you'd allow me to speak." He nervously asked.

"Of course! Definitely, Armin. I need to know what happened." She says as her ears perk up.

"Well, I read about the human heart in a book from when I was younger. It went really in-depth about the tendons, and in one of the passages, I found out that serious emotional trauma can cause the heart strings to actually weaken." Armin announced, his voice strong and steady.

"Emotional trauma can do that?" Hanji asked, completely shocked at the new discovery.

The short blonde boy nodded his head and went back to his original spot next to Eren and Mikasa.

"Well, I guess I'd have to find out what the root of his trauma was. I'll be checking his belongings tomorrow. You guys should get to sleep, I need to write up a medical report and death certificate." Hanji stated, getting up and walking to her desk. The others nod and leave her room, wishing her a good night's sleep.

* * *

If you were to peer into the scientist's room, you'd see that only a small candle was lit as she slowly and neatly printed information on various sheets of paper.

_Deceased's name: Auruo Bossard_

_Sex: F/__**M**_

_Age at death: 19_

_Date of birth: February 14, 831_

_Date of death: November 7, 850_

_Cause of death: Improper blood circulation due to damaged chordae tendineae. _

_Autopsy: __**Y**__/N_

_Place of burial: NA_

_Military division: Scouting Legion_

Exhausted and sad at seeing a fellow soldier die, Hanji removes her glasses and blows out the candle before flopping onto her bed.

'At least he didn't have to die at the hands of titans.' She thought while falling asleep.

* * *

On the next day, Hanji woke up bright and early, ready to help found out what had caused Auruo's extreme pain. She walks up to Petra's room and knocks. She hears consent and enters to find Petra wiping her tears with a tissue.

"Petra, I'm so sorry I have to do this, but do you think you can help me look around Auruo's room to find out what could've weakened his heart?" She softly asks, gently hugging the smaller girl while avoiding the word "killed."

The orange haired girl nods and stands up as she returns the brunette's hug.

"Of course, Hanji. He was my best friend. I need to find out too." She replies, leading the two of them to Auruo's room.

Turning the knob of the deceased's room, they walk in to find the room untouched. Hanji immediately goes to his desk while Petra shuffles through his closet.

On the desk, Hanji sees nothing but files, an empty glass of water, a box of tissues, and a small cup with pens. She squats down to open the drawers of the desk.

The first contained extra pens and complimentary stationery while the second contained blank stacks of paper. Next to the desk, there's a small 1 drawer file cabinet. Hanji tugs on the handle, only to find it locked. There's a simple 4 digit combination lock built into it and she beckons over Petra.

"Do you think you know what the combo is?" Hanji asks.

"Try his birthday." Petra suggests.

"0214" was dialed in but it failed to work.

The two women sigh in frustration at the failed attempt. Hanji notices a small piece of paper poking out from between the desk and file cabinet. Eagerly grabbing it, she unfolds it and reads it out loud.

"Best friend's birthday" was written with neat handwriting.

Petra's eyes widen in surprise.

"June 3rd." She informs Hanji.

"0603" is entered and they hear a click of approval.

Hanji slowly opens the (surprisingly) heavy drawer, only to find a bunch of journals with their chronological numbers placed on the spines.

Gently tugging out the first one, she reads the cover.

"September 846 – June 847"

Unfolding the book, she reads the first entry written.

"_September 1, 846_

_Petra and I just joined the Scouting Legion. Even after all the times I nagged to her about joining the Military Police, since it would be safer for her, she refused, saying only the lazy ones entered that division. She got all passionate about wanting to change the world or something. Whatever. Anyways, we also got hand-picked by that new corporal, Levi, for his special ops squad, along with two guys named Gunther and Erd. Okay I'm sick of writing I'm gonna go eat and bother Petra now."_

Petra smiles softly after reading behind Hanji, reminiscing about her first days in the Scouting Legion.

She kneels down and tugs out the other journals.

"Let's read all these and try to find out, alright?" Hanji asks, grabbing a small pile.

Petra simply nods while grabbing a few.

The two read and read when one entry catches Petra's eye.

"_February 14, 848_

_I woke up with a sudden realization. I'm in love with Petra. Yeah yeah I don't get how that works but yeah. I'm in love with her. Maybe it's because we were childhood friends? I don't fucking get it, but I love her so much. I don't know how I'm gonna survive the day, since it's my birthday. She'll probably hug me or do some other lovey dovey shit and I'm just gonna have to hold through without blushing or doing some other girly shit. Fuck my life."_

She gulps, feeling tears gather up. He was in love with her? Now remembering the day she told him about her engagement to Levi, she feels guilt within her and takes a shaky breath.

Quickly ransacking through the most recent journal, which started from May 850, she flips to the first September entry.

"_September 26, 850_

_Petra and the corporal started dating. She ran over to me, squealing about how the corporal asked her out on a date. _

_I don't have a chance with her anymore. Great Auruo. You fucked up, you idiot."_

She taps Hanji, gaining the attention of the scientist.

"I may have found the reason." She quietly says, looking down at the ground in shame.

"What is it?" Hanji asks, eager to know.

Grabbing the journal from 848 and the most recent one she just read, she showed the brunette the two entries.

She reads them over and since Hanji was a very, very smart woman and knew that 1+1=2, she realizes.

"Oh.." She mutters.

Flipping through the 850 journal, she goes to the very last entry.

"_November 7, 850_

_Petra's getting married to the corporal. She asked me to give her away. _

_Why did I accept?_

_I know I can't do it. I know I can't bear to give the one woman I love to another man._

_I'm so fucking dumb._

_Just let me die on the next expedition already."_

Hanji stares at the last sentence grimly. She hands the journal over to Petra, who reads it and spontaneously bursts into tears.

The brunette reaches over to hug the other, who has now collapsed into the scientist's arms, sobbing out loud.

"It's all my fault..! If only I hadn't bothered to tell him!" She hopelessly bawls, heartbroken.

Hanji quickly shushes the girl, gently petting her head.

"No no, Petra. You didn't know. It's not your fault."

Still Petra continued to grieve, feeling the heavy weight of guilt drag her down.

She could never forgive herself.

* * *

_Invisible to the naked human eye, there was a thin red thread tied to Petra's pinky. It led out the door and up to the sky._

_At the other end, Auruo sat on a cloud, his angel wings spread out as he looked down at the red thread tied to his pinky._


End file.
